Unkie Herb

… it’s just the mind of the MC.

I want to start a record label and create a hip hop star. I’ll get some big, bored, disillusioned black guy and dress him up all thugged out and get some fake gold teeth and shit. Then, I’ll write the most ridiculous rhymes you’ve ever heard, completely busting all over that line between mainstream hip hop lyrics and ridiculous over the top hilarity.

Also, my beats will be self produced. This won’t be hard because the latest trend in clubby hip hop is super basic, simple beats and melodies. So I’ll just have like two beats per bar and that’ll be the music part. Tons of reverb, you know how it goes. Maybe some sweet voiced girl to sing “he’s a big dirty thug” all melodic and stuff for a hook, whatever.

Check this out:

*super badass, angry MC voice*

“there are three things in this world that I love/ bangin you, killin you, bein a thug.
yeah I’m from the ghetto so you know I’m rough/ my balls are so big my pubes weave rugs”

There, easy. Dre does this shit in his sleep.

Now, all racist joking aside, I love hip hop and there is still lots of good music out there. It is unfortunate that hip hop has so overwhelmed the pop music scene that it is now all about formulaic characters with meaningless trash talk for lyrics. Record labels are so freaked about losing money that they don’t take chances on intelligent, engaged MCs. Nope, unless you’ve taken seventeen thousand bullets to the face, you ain’t ghetto enough. Check the new Pharoahe Monch disc, Desire, for more mainstream rippings.

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Man, what I wouldn’t do with 1.6 billion.

I like the idea of scientific research. Our governments and universities spend a fortune on projects designed to expand our understanding of the world. Well, to be more specific, we spend billions to come up with new answers to the same questions that religions have answered forever (psst, it was God). All agnostic kidding aside, science in many forms is focused on improving the quality of life for people everywhere. This is a good thing. As much as we all love to rip into giant pharmaceutical companies, they are improving and saving lives.

Some expenditures, however, can sometimes seem like a waste. Investments in the billions that don’t really return - a stock market nightmare. One in particular comes to mind, and due to a recent sabotage scandal, it came to my mind while I was in a writing mood.

Yes, NASA has been sabotaged. Sounds cool, doesn’t it? The space shuttle Endeavor had some wires slashed on a yet to be installed onboard computer. The culprit was a technician for an outsourced company, who has been apprehended. No reasons have yet been given, but the possibilities listed in the article were disappointing (no Russian spies, for example). I had sort of hoped the saboteur was making a political statement - something along the lines of “This useless mission to space could have funded the rebuilding of those New Orleans neighbourhoods!” or whatever. Maybe he, like me, just thinks the word “saboteur” is cool and wanted the title attached to his resume.

Either way, I do question to futile nature of space travel. NASA’s budget for 2007 was 1.6 billion dollars. It looks like a lot more money when it’s written like this: $1,600,000,000. Couldn’t the US government use the money to do some good somewhere? There is, however, a fairly easy fallback response to this idea. The Iraq War spends this amount of money in about a week. Wow. As ridiculous as that is, it doesn’t really defend the NASA program as useful.

Some possible arguments in favour of NASA are, as with my Arnold Schwarzenegger post below, apocalyptic. Basically, if we screw this planet up as thoroughly as we seem to be, we’re going to need another one to live on. It follows from this that a spaceship or seven will be needed to take us there. This is where the hundreds of billions of dollars spent on NASA come in.

Another argument for space exploration is war. The cold war was the beginning of humans considering space as a frontier upon which war can be waged. Satellites are the main weapons being used today, though for surveillance, rather than for any sort of weapons deployment (unless you believe some sweet Hollywood movies). I’m a semi-convinced supporter of Canada investing in its military to protect our sovereignty in the Arctic. Is there much of a difference for the American military investing in space technology?

Perhaps, though, the best argument for space travel is that it actually captures the imagination of the world’s population. Or at least it used to. Maybe if the media spins this sabotage story into some sort of Darfur protest it’ll get the world’s attention once again. I know I’ll tune in.

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To each his (or her) own.

Read an article today in The Economist about world surveys on happiness being related to wealth. Loosely, the stats seemed to indicate that people who were better off were happier. Also, people in developing countries with strong economic growth were generally more optimistic than those in already rich or frustratingly poor nations. The Economist was not surprised by these findings. Are you?

These results are not universal. A now famous 1985 study was done by an American University that showed hut-dwelling East African tribes exhibiting the same levels of happiness as American mansion-owners. Is this surprising? Does it stand to reason that a people who tend the land and live with little to no amenities are as content as those with servants, pools, limos and Lear jets? Most people would point to stress as the deciding factor here, and they might have a point. Would the occasional drought or roaming pride of lions trouble me more than stock issues, my thieving cook and my wife banging the tennis instructor?

The problem with that question is that it can’t be answered. For most people in developed countries, we measure wealth with happiness simply because we’ve been told to think that way. When I can afford the latest consumer goods, a luxury car and vacation time I am happy because I expect it to make me happy. For the African tribes, they grew up learning to fear the predators and revere the rains. When the crops are high and the tribe is strong, they are happy because they expect to be. My point is not that one is right and the other wrong, but that it is subjective.

This idea then requires the “happy vs. wealthy” survey to be inherently flawed. It cannot address the issues of subjective expectations of happiness. When it asked respondents to rate their happiness from one to ten, it couldn’t measure the relativity of such a standard. If I’m a recently fired CEO who is forced to sell his fourteen million dollar home for a one million dollar condo, I’m giving myself a three. Ninety percent of people around would score that condo and throw out an eight or ten.

What, then, I take from the contradictory results of various studies on this topic is that people need to stop imagining their ideas of contentment on other cultures and peoples. The Economist is easily my favourite magazine. I try to read it as much as possible because it truly touches on the global nature of our world with an intent to inform and enlighten. While the popular response to it may be something along the lines of “I don’t really care how the stock market in Spain is doing,” people need to realize that this sort of thing actually affects your life. The magazine is also slanted left when it comes to social issues such as poverty, health care and international aid. It is, with sometimes unfortunate consequences, slanted way right when it comes to global financial issues.

What the magazine, and many people out there who are strong advocates for globalization, need to remember is that our idea of satisfaction doesn’t necessarily run true everywhere. I, for one, recall the laid back life that permeated impoverished Laos. Those people were happy. The stressful, busy, enriching arrival of tourists was not treated with rejoicing in some of the places I traveled. The people were never upset, though, because they were just too chilled.

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It has its moments.

Today I worked solo for the first time in my driveway sealing career. It was okay. My commission percentage was twenty-eight percent, twelve higher than the normal, two-man rate. This raise in potential earnings was matched by a raise in motivation. I needed the extra boost, because shoving that cart around all alone sucks. Spraying tar around expensive flagstone without help is stressful (i.e. no one else to blame).

Even more frustrating is my lack of an open ear. Having so many hilarious observations waiting for expression throughout the day, I find it somewhat boring working alone. Predictably, I talk to myself. The fun here wears off quickly. I need a fresh listener. Aha, more motivation.

I did well, bringing in over a thousand dollars in sales. I’ll let you do the math on my take home. I met an Irish couple who fed me burgers while I sealed their mammoth driveway. I had finished prepping a job for a Greek man when, light almost faded entirely, it began to rain. We cannot seal in the rain. Our tar sealant is designed to repel water, but if the water gets to the driveway first… game over. It’s like trying to drop one positively charged ion onto another. Get it?

While we waited for the rain to stop (I assured him it would), he fed me stuffed peppers with roast potatoes and feta. Yum. The rain stopped. I dried his driveway with my gas powered leaf blower (they call me carbon bigfoot) and sealed it, only barely being able to see what I was doing. He paid me two hundred dollars.

A good day, all told, but tiring. Luckily my customers were all interesting and mostly nice. They were all satisfied with the work I did and the amount I charged, though one Ukrainian lady seemed to think that because she was old she didn’t have to pay the amount we agreed upon. Nice try. I like it when people genuinely thank me for doing work, even if they don’t feed me. It allows me to feel better about my aggressive sales techniques. I don’t like tricking people or disappointing them. I like convincing them and then satisfying them.

Anyone else drawing parallels here?

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Good ol’ Arnie is jumping on the apocalypse bandwagon.

Earlier this week the big man himself, Schwarzie, responded to charges that his sweeping environmental legislations would lead to the downfall of the mighty Californian economy. Where would the world-saving (as an actor in fictional films) man turn to defend his policies? Why, to the end of the world, of course.

And I quote: “But I think this is all bogus because we won’t have an economy if we destroy our environment.”

First of all, nice use of “bogus.” It’s really a word that doesn’t get thrown around as much as it used to. I feel like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sort of overused it and its been in decline ever since. Speaking of overused, pointing to the end of life as we know it for political reasons is becoming more and more popular. Bush does it with his wars, and now activists are using it to spur on their environmental agenda. I want to point out that, even if global warming was to fulfill the most dire predictions it is associated with, the world would not end. Sure it’ll get a little cooked, but it just means we’ll move a little further north, right? Maybe to some higher ground, y’dig?

I bring this up because it’s hard to criticize policies that concretely address pollution issues. Protecting our environment is, in a general way, a good thing. Some of Arnie’s big moves, such as regulating the emissions and fuel efficiency of cars, are good things. What isn’t right, however, is using scare tactics or faulty reasoning to drum up the political capital for change. Basically, I still disapprove of intelligent politicians slyly “convincing” (read: duping) people into following along. Can we not educate people into critical thinkers who are able to weigh evidence, consider consequences, and use foresight?

Anyway, kudos to Arnie for not dropping the ball on his celebrity fueled election to one of the most powerful political positions in the world. He has been a leader for the US and beyond on some worthwhile issues. It’s about time, however, that people realized that a full fledged eradication of the human race really isn’t in the cards for us. I want to make sure that we don’t pull another tsunami - i.e. funnel so much money and effort into a single issue that we ignore everything else that must also be dealt with.

Oh, and for those of you who thought that the big Austrian had begun to wean movie references out of his speeches, I leave you with a little gem:

“You have to say ‘hasta la vista’ to greenhouse gases.”

Gold.

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For the people from Laos who commented on my last post: Don’t thank me for my good impressions of your country, its your country that I loved.

Below is a little poem, sorta, I wrote after a hilariously bad day at work on Tuesday. For those of you who don’t work with me at the landscaping company (i.e. all of you?), a few things. We are sealing driveways, which means spraying that black tar onto asphalt. We have to sell this service to people in a certain area of a certain town - in this case, Barrie, a city north of Toronto. “Stepped” means jobs finished. Stepping four or five jobs is an average day, and more jobs means more money. Hicks is a veteran worker, and Yousif is a crew manager who motivates and acts as chauffeur. The four hundred is the highway between Toronto and Barrie.

Enjoy.

It was a bright and sunny morn,
the sky was clear, before the storm.
the crew was brash and talking merry,
as we loaded up our vans for Barrie.

our hopes still high, our carts were prepped,
ten, no twenty! to be stepped.
we know we’re good, our yawns still stifled,
our skills are nothing to be trifled.

yet as we sped up the four hundred,
our sharpness rendered still and blunted.
what’s that, brother Hicks, you have to say?
what neighbourhood we walk this day?

the lowest of the city’s low?
to welfare streets, their income’s slow?
but how should you, of all, to know?
you live, up there, in barrie’s snow!?

aghast, now silent, the van still purred,
Yousif, foot down, not yet deterred.
‘to seal, we go,’ he cried proudly,
‘to seal,’ we answer, though not so loudly.

first door I reach, my spirits strong,
‘look here,’ I say, ‘these cracks are wrong.’
‘alas my friend,’ the good man vents,
‘my friends and I, we only rent!’

ten houses, twenty, fifty nine,
‘not home’, ‘no money’, ‘my mother’s blind!’
by half passed seven, but one job done,
good Hicks was right, Barrie’s no fun!

and yet, with minutes left to sell,
i chance my sale on one last bell.
and with curling shirt tight cross his chest,
he nods and smiles, ‘do your best.’

and so we run to get the cart,
and work real fast, looking smart.
but as we finish up with filling cracks,
raindrops fall, with pounding smacks.

yet the rain was kind, and soon was gone,
so we could get our sealing on.
but then the nozzle sprayed naught but fog,
god damn this crap, it has a clog!

and yet, all told, we did the job,
smooth and black, without a blob.
two steps today, a lesser sum,
makes me crave, stiff glass of rum.

and so, back in the van we moan,
that town does us, surely own.
and yet, my day, while poor, was won.
for good man Hicks, stepped only one.

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One of Asia’s poorest countries is also one of its most delightful. There is little to do in many of the places I visited, and I loved it. Petanque-playing (French bocce ball), hammock-swinging, temple-visiting, Beer Lao-sipping, the country seems to be permanently on a coffee break. After the manic, greedy harassment of Vietnam, the sleepy indifference in Laos was refreshing, to say the least.

The culture and language are very similar to what one experiences in northern Thailand, especially in the northeastern region known as Isan. Yet it was colonized by the French after Vietnam (hence the silent ’s’ in the name), giving it a certain refinement and a few French stereotypes such as baguettes and great coffee.

It is, unfortunately, not without tourists. In Vang Vieng, you’re confronted with non-stop Friends DVDs blasting Phoebe’s ramblings into the street until closing time - at several locations. Nothing pains me more than seeing young travelers who have ventured around the world wasting away their days in a beautiful country in front of brainless American sitcoms. The town also boasts a beautiful river lined with bars, caves and limestone cliffs.

At any rate, many people tend to fly through Laos, giving it a week or so in order to spend more time in the more reputable Vietnam or Thailand. Such a mistake. I overstayed my one month visa and I still consider going back. Outside of Myanmar, you will not find a more authentic country in south east Asia. Slow yourself down and enjoy it, you won’t regret it.

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Selling sealing.

Today was my best day of work yet. I sealed eight driveways in Bolton, a town north of the west end of Toronto. My teammate and I raked in over 1300 dollars in sales, meaning we took home about $220 each for a single, albeit long, day’s work. The people in Bolton were friendly and willing to invest in their homes. They also bit - hook, line, and tar based sealant - on every sales pitch we threw.

One elderly Italian couple asked if I was Italiano. Sure, I said, my mother’s side has some blood.

A woman wondered if the rain would affect the drying time of the driveway. Of course not, ma’am. As you know, tar is made from oil, and oil and water don’t mix!

One man suggested I “have the build” of a soccer player. Why, I’m an all star keeper, how perceptive of you.

Adaptation. Twisted truths. Big smiles and corny jokes. I open every conversation with a gag about my tar stained clothes. Every single one. I sometimes manage to stop it from sounding rehearsed. People rarely seem to notice.

I really don’t mind the actual work part of this job. Sealing, while repetitive and somewhat mindless, is decent work in the outdoors. It is a useful service that can be helpful. I get to hang out with some interesting guys from different walks of life.

I cannot help, however, tasting the stale words as they emerge from my reluctant mouth. Buzz words and technical talk. Is it all a load of bull? I’m not sure. Do I need to believe in it to make myself an effective salesperson? Most definitely.

How much longer can I keep this up?

Good question.

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